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Rock Maze
  • Writer's pictureNeil

Internal Desolation

Internal desolation, it’s what makes me dream.

My sleep pattern is fairly predictable. I go to bed somewhere between 8.30pm and 10.00pm. I wake at about midnight for a trip to the bathroom. I wake again at about 2.00am and then at about 5.00am for the same reason.

Last night I had a vivid dream. A dream analyst could have a great time letting me know their insights but I’m not particularly interested. In my dream I had a phone call from dad, following which I tried to contact my brother to step in and visit dad, then my eyesight failed. I was scared even frightened. I called out for someone, I found myself upstairs trying to find the bedroom phone. Still frightened I kept calling out for help. I was asleep but calling out for help. I woke up shouting. It’s not the first time.

I’ve certainly got quite a bit of stuff going on in my head. I’ve got the date for my next scan. All the bad news I’ve had has been identified from the results of my scans. I’m probably expecting bad news. The scan is on the 8th May. I’ll have the results during the following week. I have the choice of hearing the results in person or by phone. When I heard that my cancer wasn’t “curable” I’d been waiting at The Sunrise Centre, where I see my consultant, for over 2 hours. Tricia had to wait in the lobby, it was cold, she was freezing. I was called in on my own. If the news is bad the team prefers that you're not alone, so when Tricia joined me I expected bad news, I was right.

Am I going to The Sunrise Centre for the results of my next scan? No. I’ve decided the information will be the same wherever I hear it. With the prospect of a possible long wait in the waiting room with Tricia outside strikes me that I’ll be better off hearing the results at home. I’m not expecting good news.

I’ve also just got my Blue Badge. A short term benefit. I’m a short term person. I might be a bit flippant about the Blue Badge but it’s just my defence mechanism. The two key words used in my application were terminal and palliative. The badge is now a reminder that I’m actually a deserving customer. Who wants that?

It's no surprise that I occasionally have bad dreams.

I can't continually focus on the negative.

I’m making a cake. Not just any old cake. I’m making a wedding cake, or at least that's the intention. The bottom is a rich fruit cake which I’ve already made. If smell is anything to go by it's my best fruit cake ever. The top will be a sponge cake. The plan is to decorate it with edible flowers. If nothing else I like a challenge. So we’re off to do a bit of shopping to make sure I have all the bits I need.

The wedding is my eldest daughter’s, Vicky's. She’s marrying her partner Tam. It’s all happening at Yeovil. First at the Register office then on to East Chinnock nearby for an evening reception/picnic.....with champagne and lots of it!

Then we're running away to stay for a couple of days at Kentisbeare. We’re actually staying at a place called Goodiford Mill in our motorhome and visiting our very good friend M. Like most runaways I’ll be home on Tuesday. I can't even run away properly.

Then again, on a bad day, I can hardly walk.

But I’m still walking on Thursday.

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