Probably Not

Is it healthy to start to say “I’ll probably not........ “?

We’ve recently bought a cordless lawn mower to go with our cordless strimmer. The brand we’ve bought is Makita, the same as most of the cordless tools I already have. Cordless tools are great but their batteries can be pricey. Typically a genuine battery costs about £80. Fortunately I have a few. Tricia will use the lawnmower and the strimmer but she probably won’t use the impact drivers, skill saw, multi tool or the drills.

So I’ve been arranging the batteries and chargers and tidying away the tools because some of them I’ll probably not use again.

I’ve got 2 flight cases containing old but working digital projectors. Worthless but fun. I’ll probably not use them again.

I’ve got a load of stage lighting I’ve stashed away for refurbishment but I'll probably not..........

I’ve got an old bench saw. Made by a well known manufacturer. It's so old there's a complete disregard for safety. A thoroughly dangerous machine. I’m happy to put it to use but I'll get rid of it because I’ll probably not.......

I’ve got a shed load (literally) of stuff I’ll probably not........

This is a frame of mind that can be really depressing. When my mood is buoyant I harness this knowledge and sell some stuff. When my mood is darker I see all my accumulated junk with sadness. In my shed I have one wall completely hidden by sliding doors. This is where I keep all my tools, screws and boxes and boxes of accumulated paraphernalia. On a dark day not only do I avoid opening the sliding doors I keep well away from the shed. Fortunately my buoyant days outnumber the dark days at a rate of about 5 to 2. Not brilliant but OK.

These dark days are predictable and mostly manageable by using distraction tactics. So instead of surrounding myself with things that can make me miserable my plan is to take myself away from my normal environment. So on the 12th April, our first opportunity, we’re off to Totnes (the home of alternate therapies) in our motorhome. Hopefully that’ll do the trick. (Not the alternative therapies!)

It probably will.

On a happier note, my consultant and her team are pleased with my progress.......... (That sounds all wrong to me. I’ll try again.).

On a marginally satisfying note my consultant and her team are reasonably pleased with my arrested rate of decline.

I’m about to start my 7th month of continuous chemo. Only two months more are scheduled but each session is subject to review. The side effects are closely monitored each fortnight. There are 3 things I need to be mindful of, 2 of which may be cyclical. Vision, headaches (cyclical) and walking.

This much treatment can effect my vision. A couple of times the TV has seemed a bit hard to focus on and on one occasion my distance vision made me feel like it’s time for a visit to the opticians. No sooner than thinking it, my normal vision has returned, but it may get worse. Something I must keep an eye on. (Ha ha). Here’s a thing, sometimes chemo can even change the colour of your eyes. Strange but true!

One morning on the last cycle and again on this cycle I’ve woken up with a pretty bad headache. I need to start monitoring my headaches. Both of these may be a sign that I’ll need a break from my chemo.

The 3rd thing to monitor is my ability to comfortably walk. Continued chemo will cause my feet to hurt. They hurt already but not to the extent that my walking is impacted. At the moment fatigue has the biggest effect on my walking but need to monitor my feet. My ability to walk is another reason to give chemo a break before the damage becomes irreversible.

All these side effects conspire against continuing with my treatment but my treatment arrests the insidious development of my cancer.

I feel difficult decisions are looming.....

Will these decisions be easy?

Probably not!