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The Art of the Fart and other Musings


Cancer, a word that under many circumstances is often left unspoken. Cancer, sometimes referred to as the C word. Cancer, a taboo subject which thankfully is much less so than it was in my youth. When I was 21 I remember watching the Academy Awards (Oscars) where John Wayne made his last public appearance before succumbing to stomach cancer later that year. He referred to cancer as the “Big C". Funny the things you remember. Yet here I am writing a whole stack of stuff openly talking about cancer.


Yesterday my metabolism went through a transition. A transition where I start the day with mild constipation and finish the day with mild diarrhoea. Nice! My diarrhoea has been accompanied by a healthy degree of flatulence and thereby lies the problem. It’s a problem I thought I’d share.


I’ve been farting like Le Pétomane. (Joseph Pujol, best known by his stage name Le Pétomane, was a French flatulist and entertainer. He was famous for his remarkable control of the abdominal muscles, which enabled him to seemingly fart at will). However my specific problem is the issue of trust. There’s a quote I’d like to share from the film The Bucket List; “As you get older, Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on, and never trust a fart” you see where I’m going. I’ve spent the last 12 hours not trusting my farts. So far so good but I’m being very cautious.


Well all this farting got me thinking. There’s loads of humorous things I can expand about on the subject of farts and farting but that’s not my intention. I have a little toilet book titled “The Art of the Fart". It’s a real book, it’s even got an ISBN number, 1 86105 879 9. I could plagiarise a bit of that but I’m not going to.


This is where I’m going: Have I ever heard you fart? Probably not. Is that because we're kind of pre-programmed to forget or is it because we simply avoid farting in front of others. I surmise it’s the latter. Why? Because that’s why it’s considered to be a funny thing. In my mind, maybe I’m a bit sensitive, belching is a very close second.


So, think about it. Even now, in our household where things are so different. Where we talk about the most challenging and upsetting things. Where soon some increasingly difficult plans and conversations will occur. Where we sometimes sit and hug and cry. Yet we still avoid farting in front of each other. I think it’s all to do with respect. That’s possibly why some of our very best friends, some of our childhood friends, some friends we’ve been on holiday with, some with whom we’ve spent considerable time with sometimes in close proximity, we’ve never witnessed them fart (or belch). Long may that last.


So there it is, something I’ve wanted to vent for some time.


While I’m in a mood to vent, in this case my frustrations, I thought I might talk about my dim view of many of the vox pop tosh I hear on the TV especially about lockdown. I know it’s making cheap TV programmes but I’m almost driven to throwing my slipper at the telly (don’t want to damage anything). I’m turning into a caricature of Victor Meldrew on Goggle box.

Then I read this;

No matter how thick and stupid you are, you can phone in a radio station and spout a load of crap on air. No matter how thick and stupid you are, you impart your flawed analysis of a complex situation on a news programme desperate to show what the man or woman in the street thinks. No matter how thick and stupid you are, you can expound your incomplete grasp of reality across any social media platform you care to access with the only limitation your ability to type the longer words. Is it any wonder that thick and stupid ideas are on the spread?


You may not agree but it makes sense to me!

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